It's been a little while and honestly I've clicked on 'New Post' about 30 times in the last few days. I even wrote an entire post about compression stockings...it was boring.
So, what to write about...I've been pretty sick for the past few weeks and around this time is where I get frustrated. I don't know if I can handle a job right now (not to mention I have no idea what city to apply in) but I need to do something. Not only for money but also sanity. I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something. I need to feel driven.
These past few weeks have been filled by Hulu.com, Facebook, movies, itunes, guitar, scrap booking, eating, cooking, sleeping, shifting position, staring at my unclean room in disgust, wishing I had the energy and desire to be productive, and last, but certainly not least, wishing I felt...healthy. POTS isn't all bad, it gives my friends something to joke about (which I could really use right now). I realized this year with being away at college that my family doesn't joke about POTS. Now, if you know me you know I'm a joker. That's my number 1 way of dealing with things, along with silence and TV. The difference between my family and friends way of viewing POTS is this; My friends really only understand a small part of POTS and how it affects me so their response is to make me laugh while my parents fully understand POTS and how it affects me. My family (obviously) knows what my life used to be and how much it has changed. Neither of these responses are right or wrong I just wish my family could find the funny in all this and that my friends could understand the serious.
To my friends: When I was a young child I was very energetic. Yes, it's true. I literally bounced around the house. I played T-ball but that was just a cover to talk. That's what I considered outfield, talking time (it's not like many kids hit it out that far anyway). I loved hanging out with my favorite neighbor Mr. Graham. So much so that I would sneak out of the house and run down the street to see him which of course only landed me with a spanking. I did this repeatedly. One day my mother finally asked, "You know you're going to get a spanking, right?" "yes." Thinking she was finally on to a solution she asked "Was it worth it?" and of course I replied "Yes." I was stubborn. As I got older I learned to ride a bike and was constantly riding it. I also learned that I love Soccer. My favorite position was mid-field. I ran the whole field for the whole game...ironic, huh? My favorite things to do were play with the boys. I loved cops and robbers (partially because I had a shorter 'death' time because I was a girl), riding my bike all over town, jumping on our trampoline, and exploring all I could. I was a tom-boy for the most part. As I continued to get older Volleyball became my number 1 sport. I always liked school and never had problems with my grades. I could remember everything so I never really learned how to study. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I had a very energetic, active childhood...right up until POTS.
POTS has changed a lot about my life and although I try to stay positive there are times it has really brought me down. It has held me back from ministry opportunities, job opportunities, from seemingly doing anything producive and most of the time everything feels like a waste. Especially college. Not just the actual action of going to college but also the job opportunities it will bring. Will I ever be able to finish college? Or get a real full-time job? Can I even handle raising kids? I think about this stuff a lot and it scares me. But along with all the scares and uncertainties that POTS has brought, it has also brought me closer to my God. God has opened my eyes to see that He has been trying my whole life to get me to trust Him and I think POTS was the last straw. At first I pulled away from God. I was angry, hurt and confused but over the last few years I have slowly grown closer and closer to Him as I have learned to trust Him. My problem is no longer trust. It has now become contentment but as I have learned to trust while my world unravelled I will learn to be content whether He chooses to knit it back together or leave it a mess. Have your way, Lord.
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