This past year has been really difficult for me. POTS and depression took over my life and I pretty much stopped living it all together. I haven't been writing here because I often feel as though I am complaining and I often forget the positive feed back I get from people who have read this blog and have either been encouraged that they are not alone or feel closer to me knowing what I got through daily. Personally, I write to vent. Writing is an amazing outlet for me and I often learn about my sub-conscious with paying a therapist bill. So here goes.

     Although I have not been clinically diagnosed I believe I am clinically depressed. It is so easy to be down when you are sick and so difficult to find the beauty of life when you are not able to go out and live it. I have been sick for almost 6 years. 6 months was the initial time frame doctors gave me. Doctors can be wrong! This past summer was probably the worst summer I've ever had. In the past summers have been the one time my POTS is somewhat under control but for what ever reason this last summer was different.
     Going into the new school year I was determined to take care of myself in every way possible, and so far that has worked out pretty well for me.  I have mentioned in past posts that doctors believe I will go into remission in my early twenties but that I honestly never thought that was going to happen for me (I tend to believe no hope is better than unfulfilled hope...and I would know). This past month I turned 21. I am now in my early twenties and although I have no idea what life would look like for me without POTS I sub-consciously let myself believe that recovery was possible.
     As I mentioned above, I have been doing quite a bit better this last month and even though I have trained myself to be prepared for that eminent relapse this time I started to believe that this might be the beginning of the end. I think the biggest factor that has let me believe this taboo concept once again is the fact that my body now seems to be requiring less sleep. When your body is sick you constantly feel exhausted and sleep for as long as possible (which is pretty much what I've been doing for the last 6 years) but only recently my body has been requiring less sleep. To me this screams out that it is no longer fighting, or has at least taken a break, but I never dared to say the words out loud.
     Yesterday when my father came to visit me at school I told him of this new development in my health situation and even while I spoke I knew it was too good to be true. This morning, and most of the day actually, has been one of the worst POTS days I have had in awhile (granted it is not as bad as it has been in the past but non the less it has taken my hope and my spirit back toward the whole of depression). I don't what God is trying to do in my life (or maybe what He's allowing to happen in my life) but I do know He is not a sadistic God.
     I may never fully understand POTS and I may never find another person on Earth who truly understands me but I do know a few things; God understands POTS, God understand ME, and God is smitten with me. When is really comes down to it, that's all I need to know.

Standing is a gift...

    I am currently in the process of figuring out life and how I can actually live it with POTS. One of the things I am trying to implement into my life is a steady job. My biggest frustration is that I can only apply to jobs that don't require constant standing and even the jobs where I could possibly sit won't want me once they find out that I'm broken. I don't fully understand POTS so how am I supposed to explain that to an employer and then be confident enough to where they decide to give me the job? I feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this place where I'm not sick enough not to work or be in a wheelchair but I am sick enough that standing and sometimes just life in general is an issue for me. All you POTS patients know exactly what I'm talking about and for those of you who don't I have some very simple advice; Standing is a gift. DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED! And when you think about complaining that your feet hurt because you've been standing at work all day remember that there are people who worry more about their consciousness while standing then the condition of their feet. I'm not trying to be harsh just honest. Remember how blessed you are, even if you do have POTS you are still blessed.
    Thank you all for your emails and comments. I love hearing from you and I am so thankful that I have been able to encourage some of you in a small way but I have to set something straight. I am not strong in this and my attitude is not admirable. I have spent so many years trying to convince myself and others that POTS hasn't really effected me that I started to actually believe that I was okay. Even today while looking for jobs, thinking about future plans, and regrets I would forget about POTS all-together. It's like I subconsciously block it out entirely and once the memory comes back I am shattered once again. I have had very dark days in the past few years, even in the past few weeks. Usually it all comes in waves but for the past few months the darkness of POTS has been constant. I believe that I am either in danger of becoming depressed or I already am. There have been a lot of changes this year in my life and I know there are many more to come. I don't say any of this to get sympathy I just want to be completely honest about where I am. I am hoping that my mother will not read this post because I would hate for her to know how I am really doing but I feel that I am being dishonest if I don't say how I really feel. I pray so often that I could just quite POTS and it kills me that quiting is not an option.
    POTS is a constant cycle of new treatment that doesn't work along with test after test that come up empty, and the worse part is that there is no option to opt out...you're in it for life.