...my nightmare just came true.

    Today was another potsy day. I have tried to keep my thoughts from going straight to the idea that I'm having another 'relap' of sorts but it still finds it way. As a music major I have to practice singing for at least 7 hours a week which gets quite difficult when I am in nauseated/passing out mode. Maybe God is beginning to show me I need to pick a new career. None of my friends here really understand POTS yet and I'm almost dreading those conversations. How many more times will I have to explain my unexplainable illness?
    I don't mind talking about it, it's just that my inability to know how much information is too much information coupled with my ability to talk about this life changing illness like I'm explaining the Pythagorean theorem equals one uncomfortable conversation. Usually I get the whole "Oh my word, that's horrible" and me being who I am along with being able to distance myself from POTS while talking about it usually answers back "It's not that bad". I don't want people to pity me and I hate being the depressing one in the group, no one likes to be the one to bring an entire conversation to a stand still and complete silence, but I do want them to know how it really affects me. Granted my POTS is not as bad as some and I do have good days but the fact is that the majority of my days are not great and POTS really isn't fun at all.
    I've tried so hard to be okay with having POTS and in theory I am. I oddly like the fact that I have a relatively rare illness, or rather I like being different but when people give you the 'that-girl-must-be-terminally-ill' look POTS gets real old real fast. I don't remember what it was like to be normal. What it was like before POTS. And I'm finally beginning to realize that even if this illness decides to go into remission it can come back at anytime without warning. So maybe going back to the time when I expected to have POTS for life is really the safer option than hoping to live without it. I had finally begun to believe that maybe I would only have a few years left of this insanity but the fact of the matter is I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and I need to forget about getting better and continue to learn how to cope...
    Who knew that evil doctor's words that drove both me and my father to tears would be said by me almost 5 years later. Learn to cope, learn to cope, learn to cope...my nightmare just came true.